


Lists

by BabyGusty



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: M/M, Skippy's List
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-02-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 20:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22921705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyGusty/pseuds/BabyGusty
Summary: Sherlock keeps two lists of things he is allowed and not allowed to do. Inspired by Skippy's List.
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes/John Watson
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	Lists

**Author's Note:**

> Previously posted here ages ago under a different username. I'm back, people, bringing new fics and reposting some old gems I really liked writing.

~ Top Drawer ~

There are two sheets of paper in the topmost drawer of Sherlock’s bedside table:

~ 25 things I am no longer allowed to do at Scotland Yard ~

1\. I’m not allowed to shoot at Anderson because he annoys me.

2\. I’m not allowed to be funny (as Lestrade thinks I’m not).  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to be funny on the internet.

3\. Mocking Anderson is not a hobby.

4\. I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences by texting Lestrade “You’re wrong”.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences by texting Lestrade  
“(Donovan/Anderson/ any member of Scotland Yard) is wrong”.  
_Addendum II_ I’m not allowed to interrupt press conferences, period.  
_Addendum III_ I’m not allowed to use John Watson to interrupt press conferences  
because I’m not allowed to.

5\. I’m not allowed to call any member of Scotland Yard any of the following: idiot, half-wit, incompetent fool, fool, imbecile, cretin, “Anderson” (it’s a name not an insult), a walking intellectual black hole.  
_Addendum_ I’m not authorized to forbid people to breed.

6\. I’m not allowed to come to a crime scene in my pyjamas.

7\. I’m not allowed to giggle at a crime scene.

8\. I’m not allowed to do the serial-killer-dance in the presence of the victim’s family.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to talk to a victim’s grieving family ever again, unless it’s essential to a case and either Lestrade or John are present.

9\. I’m not allowed to threaten Lestrade with God (i.e. Mycroft).

10\. I’m not allowed to answer any questions in Chinese just because I’m cross.

11\. Restricted Area means restricted area.

12\. I’m not allowed to steal Lestrade’s police badge to gain access to a restricted area.

13\. I’m not allowed to impound drugs then take them home for experiments.

14\. I’m not allowed to impersonate any of the following: judges, police officers, crown prosecutors, John Watson, Lestrade, God.

15\. I’m not allowed to talk faster than 200 words/minute when talking to Lestrade.

16\. I’m not allowed to kidnap anyone for any reason.

17\. I’m not authorized to fire Anderson.

18\. Being the most intelligent person in a room is no excuse for rudeness or mockery.

19\. I’m not allowed to steal a police car (as I have no driver’s licence).

20\. I’m not allowed to order uranium over the internet using Scotland Yard’s expense account.

21\. I’m not allowed to break the internet.

22\. I’m not allowed to use the suspects in the holding cells for psychological experiments.

23\. I’m not allowed to offer Lestrade’s virtue to someone in exchange for information.  
_Addendum_ Especially not on the internet.  
_Addendum II_ Especially not using the words “virgin sacrifice”.

24\. I’m not allowed to sleep in the morgue.

25\. I’m not allowed to use this list as proof that I’m allowed to do something.

~ 30 things I am no longer allowed to do at home ~

1\. I’m not allowed to invite the Jehovah’s Witnesses in for a religious discussion, even if there are only reruns on the telly.

2\. I’m not allowed to use John’s laptop just because I’m too lazy to fetch my own.

4\. I’m not allowed to keep body parts in the fridge after they’ve started to mould.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to keep human eyes in the jam.

5\. I’m not allowed to watch John sleep because I’m bored.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to keep John awake because I can’t sleep.

6\. I’m not allowed to shoot with John’s gun unless there’s an emergency.  
_Addendum_ “Boredom” is not an emergency.

7\. I’m not allowed to test homemade meth on Mrs. Watson.  
_Addendum_ The same goes for the neighbours’ dogs, cats, birds and children.

8\. I’m not authorized to make new house rules.

9\. I’m not allowed to send more than 53 texts per minute to John’s mobile.  
_Addendum_ Especially not when he’s at work.

10\. I’m not allowed to leave the flat undressed.

11\. I’m not authorized to prescribe any medication.

12\. I’m not allowed to break into the flat because I’m too lazy to find my keys.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to break into the flat because it is more fun that way.

13\. I’m not allowed to drive (as I have no driver’s licence).

14\. I’m not allowed to ask “Are we there, yet?” when I’m not driving.

15\. I’m not allowed to call James Bond movies “mindless drivel”, even if they are.

16\. I’m not allowed to tell John who the murderer is before he has finished reading the book!

17\. I’m not allowed to ask Mycroft to train me in psychological warfare in the living room.

18\. “High Functioning Sociopath” is not a superpower.  
_Addendum_ It is also no excuse.

19\. I’m not allowed to be awake for more than 52 hrs straight.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to take more than 5 sleeping pills at a time.

20\. I’m not allowed to wear more than 3 nicotine patches at a time.  
_Addendum_ The ones on my back count

21\. I’m not allowed to create weapons of mass destruction in the kitchen just because I can.  
Especially because I can.

22\. I’m not allowed to start a fire in the kitchen, even if it’s intentionally.  
_Addendum_ llegal drugs or chemicals are not to be used as a recipe base.  
_Addendum II_ Even when Mycroft is coming for dinner.

23\. Mycroft is neither my nemesis nor Britain’s Evil Overlord.

24\. Locking John in the loo to time how long it takes to unhinge a door upsets him. 

25\. I’m not allowed to join John in the shower on the pretence of shortened hot water supplies.  
_Addendum_ Stunned silence on John’s part is not agreement. 

26\. I’m not allowed to call the MI5 agents Mycroft sends over to spy on us “Mycroft’s minions” and tell them to “go back to spy-school”.

27\. I’m not allowed to defuse a bomb because I can’t be bothered to wait for the bomb squad.

28\. I’m not allowed to stay overnight in the morgue.  
_Addendum_ I’m not allowed to stay overnight anywhere without telling John.

29\. I’m not allowed to get kidnapped or shot at.

30\. I’m not allowed to die!

(31. Scratch #25. Apparently, stunned silence is agreement.)


End file.
